


Things We Tell Ourselves

by Cumber_Babe04



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, just a bunch of OCs - Freeform, not a part of any fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 21:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13749504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cumber_Babe04/pseuds/Cumber_Babe04
Summary: This was just something I thought up on the fly and continued working on. Comment or leave Kudos, but be warned; I will take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, but rudeness will not be acknowledged.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've understood from other authors on this site that some of you are impatient for new chapters. So much so, that you've taken to hounding them in the comments section. I'm just telling you guys now that I will post when ready, and no earlier or later. Also, I have no Beta, so please excuse any grammatical errors and such. Thanks for understanding, and happy reading.  
> Peace babes,  
> Cumber_Babe04

We’ve all been told to stay away from someone, whether it be a stranger, or a seductive individual of the opposite gender (you know the one, the person that you can’t resist?). We’ve all been tempted to disobey this ruling, but we don’t. We don’t because we’re scared of them as well. Or maybe we work up the minimal amount of courage, then back out at the last minute. There are some, however, who are able to work up more than enough courage, and they go through with the plan. They stay with the individual, and eventually, they fall in love. It’s not something that you can control; it just happens. Eventually you can’t leave the person because you’re emotionally invested in them, and you always will be. Your feelings will never change. They’re irreversible. I felt like that once. I disobeyed the ruling; I found my soulmate, my other half. I thought he felt the same way, at least until he betrayed me, until he broke my heart. I haven’t loved anyone since. I haven’t let myself love. I’ve been hurt too much to love again. “No one will soften my heart,” I thought. I was wrong.

He... he was different. He shook my world when nobody was able to do that anymore. I tried to keep him out, God, how I tried! I thought that he was just another boy trying to get through my walls. How was I to know that he was different, that he had the tools to break them down? Don’t look at me like that. Just because you’re gone, doesn’t mean that I can’t move on with my life. You don’t hold any sway over my life anymore. You can’t make decisions for me. The time when you ruled my life is over. It’s ended. Now comes a new age, an age of freedom from your tyranny.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comment or leave Kudos, but be warned; I will take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, but rudeness will not be acknowledged.  
> Peace babes,  
> Cumber_Babe04

“Angel!” someone calls. I spin around. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” Aspen Grady, my best friend and accomplice, stops, his hands raised in an attempt to placate me. “Sorry, sorry. It’s been a whole summer. That’s three months. You can’t blame me for forgetting how touchy you are,” he teases. He suddenly gets quiet. “Forgive me Harley, for hurting your tender sensibilities.” I roll my eyes. “Shut up. Who do you have for homeroom?” I ask. “Fitcher. Who’d you get?” he shoots right back. “Fitcher,” I reply. He looks down and nods. A rough year is ahead of us. We walk slowly because neither of us really want to go to school. “Should we skip?” Aspen asks. I snort. “On the first day of school? In Mrs. Fitcher’s class? I don’t think so,” I say derisively.

We arrive at school, just in time to witness the first fistfight of the year. My eyes widen in concern as Liam ( an asshat jock) plows his fist into a new kid’s stomach. I run over to try to restrain Liam. His lip curls, but when he sees that it’s me, he relaxes. “Hey Lee Lee,” he grins. Fuck. I don’t have time for his shit this year. “For the last time, Liam, my name is Harley. Not Lee Lee.” “Jeez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning,” Liam says, offended. “Why were you picking on this guy anyway?” Aspen asks, trying to take some of the attention off of me. I’m grateful. Liam snorts. “It was just initiation. No big deal,” he whines. “No big deal?” I practically snarl, and I lunge at him. “No- big- deal?” My fist makes contact on each word. “You almost fucking killed him!” Aspen grabs me around my waist before I can start punching him again. “Harley. Harley! Calm down! Why are you even defending him? You don’t even know him!” Aspen exclaims, always the voice of reason. I go limp because the truth is, I don’t. “I don’t know,” I whisper. “I don’t know.” 

Sometime during this exchange, the new kid had disappeared. “Where’d he go?” I ask worriedly. Aspen rolls his eyes. “He’ll be fine Harley. Don’t worry about him.” “But what if Liam goes after him again?” I argue. “Why do I even try to understand you? Do you even know his name?” Aaron snaps. I hang my head. “No,” I say. “Then why do you think that I know anything about him? Am I suddenly psychic?” he says sarcastically. My head jerks up, and my eyes flash. “Don’t you dare speak about him like that,” I growl. “You don’t know him.” A quizzical look flashes across his face as I storm away. “But-,” he calls after me, his voice splintering like millions of glass shards. How dare he say that about him? How dare he? “Harley… please… ” Aspen whispers after me, though it might as well have been a shout. I stop dead in my tracks. I hadn’t heard that tone of voice since… I turn back and see him walking towards me, head down, shoulders slumped. I can’t see his face, though I know how pained his expression looks under that veil of hair. He had adopted that composure once before… when he betrayed me… when I pledged to myself never to let anybody else in. “Please don’t be mad. You really have no right to be.” He reaches out to me, but I pull back. “I have every right to be mad.” He just stands there, arm outstretched, waiting to see whether I will change my mind. The bell rings, ushering us towards our homeroom. “See you in class.” I mutter as I turn around and stalk down the school hallway.

When I enter the classroom, I see that Aspen has saved me a seat. Too bad. I’m not ready to forgive him yet. The only other desk open is the one next to the new kid. Braedan. His name pops into my head. As I stride over to the open desk, Aspen’s head falls. I hesitate. I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m still mad at him. It’s too late now though, because Liam sits down beside him. I don’t want Liam beside Braedan anyway. Just as I settle down, Mrs. Fitcher walks in. She scans the classroom, looking for new students to chew out. Her eyes land on me and her frown falls deeper. I look around, then point at my chest. She doesn’t look amused. I try to look apathetic, though when a teacher is staring at a student, the student knows they shouldn’t show how much of a smart aleck they can be. Especially if that student is me and the teacher is Mrs. Fitcher. She finally cuts her stare to finish scanning the class, then she walks over to her desk, sits down, and pulls the attendance sheet from her top drawer. “Harley Anders?” she says in a nasal voice. I tentatively raise my hand, and her frown returns. She stares at me for a beat longer, then returns to taking attendance. I feel eyes on me, and I turn to see Braedan staring at me. He whispers, “Do I know you? You look familiar.” “Ummm, no. I’m pretty sure you don’t know me,” I reply. “Then why did you stand up for me when that guy was beating me up?” he queries. “Braedan Crowley!” Mrs. Fitcher calls. “Here!” Braedan answers. “To answer your question,” I continue. “Liam is a bastard,” I say. “And it’s wrong. No one should be beat up for an ‘initiation.’” He lowers his eyes. “You think I’m pathetic,” he accuses softly. “You think I can’t hold my own against someone like Liam.” My eyes widen a fraction at the tremble in his voice. Is he crying? I hasten to appease him before Mrs. Fitcher notices. “No, no, no! That’s not it at all! You just looked like you needed some help.” He shakes his head and laughs bitterly. “No one believes that I can do anything. They think I’m a loser. A person who needs help all the time.” “Well are you?” I ask. He looks at me. “No! I’m not. I don’t need anyone’s help,” he whisper-shouts. “and I can take care of myself.” I raise one eyebrow. “Can you? You weren’t doing a very good job this morning.” “Ms. Anders, Mr. Crowley!” Mrs. Fitcher snaps. “If you have anything to say, please share it with the whole class.” She smiles menacingly. “I was just commenting on the state of his hair,” I lie. “It’s very unruly, don’t you think?” Mrs. Fitcher purses her lips. I am making Mrs. Fitcher mad on the first day of school; that should’ve been a record. I glance at Aspen, but he’s staring at his desk. I return my gaze to Mrs. Fitcher and we have a split-second staredown before she looks away. HA! I am dominant. I smirk, leaning back in my chair. “Take your expensive textbooks and open them to page 394.” Mrs. Fitcher exclaims. “Today we will be talking about Verbals. Who knows what a verbal is?” Mrs. Fitcher asks. And just like that, first period is over.

“Harley!” Liam calls my name as I’m walking out of the classroom. I turn around. “What?” “Are you and Grady in a fight or something? You’re usually joined at the hip. Nothing can separate you two, and yet here we are. I’m sitting next to him, and you’re sitting next to Wimpy over there. What happened?” The words tumble over each other like over eager puppies. I scoff. “Gee. How on earth could you tell?” I deadpan. “If you must know, we had a misunderstanding. I’m on my way over to apologize now.” He raises an eyebrow, unconsciously mirroring my stance from earlier. “Oh really? It looked to me like you were going to your locker.” He looks at me triumphantly. “Oh, don’t give me that, Liam.” I push past him and open my locker. In it is a small piece of paper, maybe half of a full sheet. It says:

Could you meet me at the Quad after school?  
Yes. [] Yes! [] Definitely []

I draw a brand new box with “Probably” written next to it. I wouldn’t want to give the sender any high hopes. I take the necessary materials and head to Art 1. Ah yes, the first Art class I actually have to care about. I walk in and… I immediately groan. I’m stuck between Liam and Braedan. But I’m kept busy thinking about the note. Who sent it? Why did someone send it? I’m not particularly beautiful; my waist- length hair is a dull black, my eyes are an unremarkable blue. My lips aren’t full, but they aren’t thin either. My skin isn’t particularly lustrous. It’s not quite light enough for me to be considered white, but it’s not quite dark enough for me to be considered black. Like I said, nothing remotely beautiful. Yet someone put that note in my locker. Maybe they meant to put it in another locker, but didn’t see the numbers? Yes, that’s it. I go and sit down. Immediately Braedan leans over and whispers, “Did you get my note?” That answers that question. “Yes,” I say quietly. “My answer is Maybe. Don’t get your hopes up.” He sits back down and smirks. He thinks he’s won me over. Well, he’s got another thing coming for him. He thinks that he can just put pretty words on a piece of paper, and I’ll come running like all the other girls. Well, I won’t be one of them. I just won’t go. That’s it! I’ll find Aspen and apologize to him. Then I can say that I had something at the time that he asked me to meet him. That’s the plan.

Usually I go to the Quad, but since that’s where Braedan expects me to go, I avoid it. Instead, I seek out Aspen… Who I find in liplock with a sophomore girl. Okay, I’ll admit it, I saw this coming. I mean, Aspen’s not a particularly bad looking guy, but come on, a sophomore? We’re seniors! However, this knowledge doesn’t stop the raging, green-eyed monster commonly known as jealousy from flaring up. I growl, loud enough for Aspen to hear me. He spins around, effectively breaking the kiss. “H- Harley, wait. Let me explain!” he pleads. I jerk away from him. The sophomore runs off, not interested in staying to watch the fight. “Fine,” I snap. “Explain.” He sighs, and drags his hand down his face like he’s trying to tear his skin off piece by piece, like he’s trying to cleanse himself of the kiss. “I-I can’t. What am I supposed to explain? You’re so effing blind sometimes! How can you not see that-,” he cuts himself off. “How can I not see what, exactly, Aspen? That you are so obviously not into me? How can you be so blind? It feels like no matter what I do, no matter what I say, it’s not enough to get your attention! Do I have to spell it out for you?” Tears are tumbling to the floor in an unending stream off of my cheeks. He tries to come over to me and wrap me in his arms, but I jerk even farther back. “I-I can’t believe you! I try and try, but nevertheless, you’re oblivious to the simple fact that I love you!” I shudder, having just admitted my darkest secret. I wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to hold myself together, but I can’t. I’m flying apart into a million pieces, and I can’t, I just can’t, and I start running, trying to escape, trying to get free. I’m trying to disappear.

I run and run. I don’t dare to look back because I know what I will see. I will see Aspen, slumped, lifeless, and unable to comprehend, watching my shrinking figure get farther and farther away from him. I look down because I cannot afford to cry in front of all my schoolmates. But, if I’m honest, it’s because I don’t want to cry in front of Aspen. I’ve already told him that I loved him; I can’t bear anymore embarrassment.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comment or leave Kudos, but be warned; I will take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, but rudeness will not be acknowledged.  
> Peace babes,  
> Cumber_Babe04

I’m a mirror. I’m a mirror that’s been shattered, the pieces swept aside. A mirror that has been subject to too much. I’m the embodiment of chaos. I’ve been beaten down so many times by the world; even the strongest person eventually just gives up, saying, “It’s over. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. There’s too much. It’s all too much.” They say that the sky’s the limit. Well, I’ve reached mine, and it’s nowhere close to the sky. If anything, mine’s the lowest limit you can have. 

And yet... I’ve been through more than most. Perhaps my limit is higher than the sky. An old Cherokee proverb comes to mind as I sit, sobbing, on a log: “Fate whispers to the warrior, ‘You cannot withstand this storm.’ And the warrior whispers back, ‘I am the storm.'" I can relate. Yes, me, the girl who just broke down in front of her best friend/first actual love and ran off to cry all alone. I stand up and wipe my cheeks. I have to be strong, I think. I start walking back home because surely by now my parents are worried sick. I remember with a start that if I went home now, I’d be early. I usually hang out with Aspen after school, but… today just isn’t a good day. I start walking slower in an attempt to interpret the time I currently should have been spending with Aspen. It’s maddening, the crunch of my shoes on the forest floor, the constant silence in my brain as it absorbs all the information from my senses. I do not speak, I do not think, I just walk. 

In what I can only say is half an hour, I walk out of the forest and into a clearing. The Meadow, me and Aspen call it. We used to sit here all day talking, enjoying the sunlight, enjoying the each other’s company. Now as I walk on, I’m only reminded of the pain my confession caused. I abruptly stop as I see Aspen fast asleep about twenty feet in front of me. He had the same idea, I think. I try to go around him, ignore him, but his light snoring brings back so many memories: sleepovers when we were little kids, being so upset when he had to move, and being so elated when he moved back. 

I stop trying to avoid him and flop down in the grass next to him. I start poking his stomach, knowing he will wake up since he is ticklish. He wakes up with a gasp, then squints at the setting sun. “Turn off the lights Mom, it’s too bright in here.” He manages before curling up on his side and pulling a nonexistent blanket over his torso. I shake him hard. “Get up, we need to talk.” Aspen lies down on his back, then sits up. “God, about what, Mom?” He yawns groggily. “About our little situation here,” I poke him again He finally opens his eyes up enough to see that I am indeed not his mother. “Harley, I was having such an awesome dream. Why did you have to wake me up?” He groans. My curiosity spikes. “What was it about?” I ask. A blush rises in his cheeks, and I can feel my own heating up as well. “Well....” and I cut him off. “Never mind. I don’t want to know. However, we should probably acknowledge the elephant in the meadow. Look, I’m sorry for springing that on you. It’s just I’ve been having this really weird deja vu, and it’s throwing my life out of whack.” I say, trying to sound as sincere as possible. It doesn’t work. Aspen just looks at me as if I fell from Venus. “What, you don’t believe me?” I demand. “No,” Aspen replies defensively. “I think you are making perfect sense. In fact, you are making so much sense, I’d like you to repeat that just for the sake of me hearing that sweet sense you just made.” “Ugh, shut up, Aspen.” I pull him up into a sitting position. I think about what I will say next. But of course my mouth doesn’t listen to my brain, so I blurt out everything. Everything about loving him, about the moment I first found out I loved him. I tell him everything. Everything. 

Aspen sits there, gaping at me. Then he sits up straight and snaps his mouth shut. “How long did you say you loved me?” he asks, quirking an eyebrow. Aaaaaaaand.... The blush is back. He laughs. I roll my eyes, thinking to myself, How can he be so frivolous about this? I just had a heart to heart with him, and he’s laughing? Ugh, boys. I shake my head. “That isn’t the point! What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry to have sprung that on you.” I say sheepishly. “I get it, you don’t know what to do with that information, Apsen. I’ll just give you some time....” I start to get up but Aspen pulls me back down. I fall on my back but quickly regain my composure. “What?” I say, somewhat angrily. “Oh, nothing. I just like it when you get mad. I think it’s cute.” Aspen looks at me with those godawful puppy dog eyes. Ugh, so predictable. 

I lie down on the soft grass. “What I wouldn’t give for a few moments of peace and quiet.” I murmur. And there it is. A sudden silence as if every single living organism suddenly stopped doing whatever it is doing. I open my eyes and Aspen is there, just staring at me. I scramble away from him and run over to the old well. There, every single beetle, grasshopper, and moss look frozen as if all their bodily functions have simply stopped. “What’s going on?” I whisper. Harley. Harley. HARLEY. The chants get louder, then I wake up.

I wake up in the meadow, Aspen leaning over me, a halo of hair around his face. “You fell asleep... what happened?” Aspen inquires. “I really don’t know.” I say as he leans back so I can get up. “You were there and listening to me and then you were just out. You freaked me out.” Aspen explains, obviously scared. “Well, I said Abracadabra, and BAM!, I was asleep. I guess that’s what happens when I’m listening to you.” I retort. His face closes off when he hears the tone of my voice. “Fine. Don’t tell me what’s wrong.” He sighs. “You know, we used to tell each other everything. But now... what happened? Why did you close me off? You blocked me out, and I never knew why. I thought that it was something that I did. Can you at least tell me that? Did I do something that pissed you off? What did I do?” His plaintive voice catches me off guard, and I wince. He snorts. “I thought I knew you. I guess I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.” After this, he gets up and starts to walk away. I scramble up and stumble after him, tears blurring my vision. “Please, don’t go.” My voice breaks on the last word because I know that if he leaves, I won’t ever see him again. I won’t have the courage to seek him out again. I trip on a clump of weed and fall. Aspen just keeps walking and walking, and eventually the trees mask his form and I can't see him anymore. He’s gone.


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comment or leave Kudos, but be warned; I will take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, but rudeness will not be acknowledged.

Yet again I find myself alone with the constant nagging of my own anxiety and depression. Oh, who invited them? Oh, I don’t know, I guess it’s that one creepy neighbour who lives across the street and always stares at me when I walk out the front door. Yes, it’s definitely him. It’s his eyes that bore into my back, like they’re exposing all my secrets. I shudder, suddenly feeling cold. What’s going on? Why is this happening to me? I stretch my fingers and lay them on the ground. And can I do that again? I ask myself. I close my eyes and concentrate. Abruptly all sound disappears and I break my concentration from fright of the sudden change. As they have ended, the sounds of the forest resume, crickets chirping in the sunset, beetles scuttling on the ground, the wind rustling through the trees. 

I stare at the orange sky until I finally realize what time it is. I jump up and start running towards home. My parents must be worried sick, especially since it’s still technically the first day of school. Shit! My parents are going to be pissed. Why did I even let myself believe that I could change Aspen’s mind? Oh right, because I’m a “naive teenage girl.” According to my parents anyway. I keep running for fear that all of the drama from the whole day will finally catch up to me. What am I thinking? Of course it will catch up to me. It’s not like I can run forever. The day will eventually catch up, no matter what.  
When I reach my house, Aspen is in his window, but when I hesitantly wave, he turns away. Ouch. That hurt. We’ve never fought like this before. No, scratch that. We’ve never fought, period. Everything’s all messed up. How is it that it was only this morning that we were fine? It seems like forever ago. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just get over him? A screech works its way up my throat, but I clench my teeth around it. I can’t let it out. I can’t. If I do the neighbors will think I’m insane, again, and I just don’t have the patience for that today. I slowly walk up the stairs and open the door through the veil of hurt and anger. I storm past the dining room door without bothering to stop to say hello to my parents. I pull the trapdoor down and climb the small ladder up to the attic. I walk all the way up to my room without even stopping. They wouldn’t understand anyway. I flop down on the bed and stare off into nothingness. It’s all finally catching up to me. Random hours of the day swirl around my head, mocking me. ‘Angel!’ And I had snapped at him for calling me angel. Why? It had never bothered me before. But now... Now it was so annoying that I just wanted something to happen so that he would never- No. Aspen’s my friend. I shouldn’t want him dead. But I do. And even after all we’ve been through... how could I? How could I think that about the boy I love, the boy I’ve always loved? The boy who was so oblivious to my true feelings that he ventured to talk to me about it. How could I do this to him?

Have you ever had that feeling where something’s just not right in your head? That you may not be as sane as you thought you were? That’s how I feel now. Like there’s something eating away at my mind, like some parasite is invading my brain and turning my body against itself. It will not let me go until it’s taken over my body. Like something will stop at nothing to kill me, to feed off of the chaos that is me.


End file.
